I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
