If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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