Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Semen is not good for contacts.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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