If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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