I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
