Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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