i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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