When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
