please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
