Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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