Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
