Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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