My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
