I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
