The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You ate ashes out of my bong
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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