Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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