I wish I could punch you in the face.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
