My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
