I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
