i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
