Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
