Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
