Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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