Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
