I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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