I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
