My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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