you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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