I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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