You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
