I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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