if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
