Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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