I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It's never too late to be topless.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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