she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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