bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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