Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
