Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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