I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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