Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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