I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
