Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
