Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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