Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
