I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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