Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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