I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's blow job season.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
