don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
