Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
