I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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