I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
