he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
