chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
