He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
