I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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