i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
