I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
