My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
