I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
