I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
