I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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