My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
