Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize