Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
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On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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