if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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