You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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