We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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