Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
